Former 'Bachelor' star who came out reveals how fatherhood changed his relationship to God

Colton Underwood wanted to be a dad since he was a little boy.

In his new, audio-only memoir, "Dear Bishop: A Letter To My Son" (out now from Hachette Audio), he recalls his second-grade teacher asking the class to write down what they wanted to be when they grew up. When his teacher advised him to ditch "NFL player" for something more realistic, he wrote "stay-at-home dad."

At 34, both his grade-school dreams have become realities.

The former NFL player, who starred in "The Bachelor" before coming out as gay in 2021, married Jordan C. Brown in 2023 and the two became parents to their son, Bishop, in 2024. Coming up on his second Father's Day as a dad, Underwood sat down with USA TODAY to talk about his new memoir and what fatherhood has taught him so far.

"Nothing can prepare you for this," Underwood said. "What I've learned is, I have a new baby every two weeks, you know? Our child is developing, and most babies develop, at this rate where it's like, 'Woah! You can do that now? OK.'"

Being a dad, he said, is "the purest love and joy and just happiness that I've ever experienced in my life."

Colton Underwood didn't think he could be a dad. Now, he wants two more kids.

In his new memoir, Underwood reveals his participation in "The Bachelor" and "The Bachelorette" was a "misguided attempt at self conversion therapy." He talks about lying to friends and family about his love life, sneaking away to meet up with men in his college days and an attempt to end his own life over the shame and guilt he experienced in those years.

He would bargain with God, he said, begging to be heterosexual. He didn't think he could be gay and be a father, he tells USA TODAY.

"I didn't know it was possible," he said. Once he started to come out to his friends and family, he said, he realized, "If I do come out, I'm actually not giving up on my dreams of becoming a dad. I think that was one the hardest negotiations that I had to have with myself."

There was representation of same-sex couples being parents, he said, using actor Neil Patrick Harris, who shares twins with husband David Burtka, as an example. But he didn't "really know or look for" those role models at the time, Underwood says.

He remembers his first date with Brown, when they shared their passion about becoming dads. That's when it all clicked, and Underwood recalls thinking, "We can really do this."

But even after he came out and started dating Brown, Underwood said his road to fatherhood wasn't easy. He talked openly about his infertility struggles while he and Brown were trying to become fathers, and launched a podcast, "Daddyhood," so other hopeful parents wouldn't feel alone.

After making some lifestyle and medication changes, and relying on an egg donor and surrogate, Underwood and Brown became fathers in 2024.

"There's so much thought and intention that goes into having a baby when you're a same-sex couple," Underwood said, adding that he's faced financial barriers to growing his family, too. "We for sure want another (baby), if not two more."

His faith remains important, Underwood says, but his relationship to religion has changed since coming out and becoming a dad.

"My idea of faith might not look like it once looked," he says. "I've really felt the more out that I have become, the better my relationship with God has become. It is not conditional anymore."

What's next for Colton Underwood?

Underwood said his social media posts are often breeding grounds for hateful comments from people who "don't agree with same-sex couples having families."

"I'm in an era where I'm really trying to do my best to protect my peace," Underwood says. He wants to continue sharing his story and being a role model in the LGBTQ+ community. "But it does get tough."

His approach to the negativity? Patience and kindness. "I want to serve as a bridge," he says. By educating others on his experience as a gay man and father, he hopes more people will become accepting.

"Our son has two loving parents," he says. "And two parents that are doing everything in our power to take care of him, to raise him, to give him a great life."

But to the really aggressive haters, Underwood said, "we just sort of ignore it and let that go."

These days, he's more comfortable living outside of the spotlight. He and Brown recently cofounded a child skin care brand, Toddle.

"I'm doing a lot more producing. I'm doing a lot more directing and creative directing these days, and I'm much more fulfilled by it," he said. "It really is so exciting for me to be able to tap into my creative side without feeling like I have to give all of myself to the world."

Madeline Mitchell's role covering women and the caregiving economy at USA TODAY is supported by a partnership with Pivotal and Journalism Funding Partners. Funders do not provide editorial input.

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