Hayden Panettiere reveals toll of addiction, abuse and loss after child stardom

In Hollywood's reckoning with child stardom, Hayden Panettiere is the latest to share the dark sides of a career in the spotlight.

The “Nashville” and “Ice Princess” star, 36, has been acting since she was eight months old. In her new memoir, “This Is Me: A Reckoning” (out now from Grand Central Publishing), Panettiere chronicles childhood fame, crossing nefarious actors in her teens and addiction as an adult. In recent interviews about the memoir, Panettiere reflected that she was “groomed” to be a "little soldier" throughout her early career, which included roles in soap opera “One Life to Live” and the animated “A Bug’s Life.” 

Much of Panettiere’s memoir grapples with grief, especially the death of her younger brother and the years she lost to addiction. She writes about relinquishing custody of her then 2-year-old daughter after struggling with postpartum depression and addiction. And, like many of her famous peers, Panettiere is grieving the “chance to have a ‘normal’ childhood." 

Hayden Panettiere says she was treated ‘like a call girl’ as a teen in Hollywood

When Panettiere was just 4, her mother pushed her through the busy Manhattan streets from audition to audition, bookending each call with the phrase “Don’t phone it in.” Praised for her tears and dramatic expressions, Panettiere reflects that she “began to associate catastrophe with adoration.”

“Grown-ups gave me positive attention when – as an actor – I failed, got sick, screamed and cried, killed, grieved, and suffered. Reality merged with my imagination and burrowed into my core memories, where all my shame and trauma lives,” Panettiere writes. “I’ve often wondered whether – unintentionally – I’ve brought on my traumas because I’m wired to think they’re good for me.”

One of these traumas occurred at a party when she was 19. An Oscar-winning actor and director – who Panettiere does not name – exposed himself to her. Then, a trusted friend, whom Panettiere refers to only with the pseudonym “Stella McAmis,” forced her into bed with a “famous thirtysomething British singer-songwriter.” Panettiere, in shock, ran out of the room. 

“She’d confided in me, pampered me, and treated me like her best friend – then turned around and treated me like a call girl,” Panettiere writes. 

‘Nashville’ character’s addiction was like ‘looking in a funhouse mirror’

When she was a teen, Panettiere’s team gave her “happy pills” – an amphetamine, Panettiere believes – before interviews and red carpets so she could focus. Reflecting on her addiction and recovery in “This is Me,” Panettiere writes this habit would “forever change” her world.

“At 16, they were the gateway drug that ushered me toward the good of pharmaceuticals and the downfall of addiction,” she writes.

In the throes of postpartum depression after having her daughter, Kaya, Panettiere writes she became addicted to alcohol and Klonopin, a central nervous system depressant. At one point, a doctor told her she’d “be dead within five years” if she didn’t stop drinking, she writes.

She didn’t have close friends on set filming “Nashville,” and no one brought up her addiction, which she says contributed to an “enabling” environment. Instead, the “Nashville” writers mirrored her character’s Season 4 arc after Panettiere’s life.

“Juliette Barnes had postpartum depression, and alcohol and pill problem, and a divorce on the horizon. She was erratic, an absentee mother, and fought with everyone, including her fans. Every time I read the day’s script, it was like I was looking in a funhouse mirror, seeing a distorted reflection of myself. I can’t tell you how lost this made me feel,” Panettiere writes.

During this time, Panettiere says the first thing she thought of when she woke up was alcohol: “Not my child, not my job, and not the rest of my life. I needed a drink to function.” Then her ex-partner, Ukrainian former professional boxer Wladimir Klitschko, asked for full custody of their daughter. He worried about her being in Panettiere’s care. 

Panettiere writes that she agreed to give up custody because the legal battle would “destroy me psychologically at a time when my heart and soul were weaker than they’d ever been.”

Her substance abuse is not the only the Panettiere family experienced. Panettiere writes her brother Jansen was smoking crack and snorting heroin before he died in 2023 at age 28. At the time, the family revealed the cause of death as “sudden passing was due to cardiomegaly (enlarged heart,) coupled with aortic valve complications."

Hayden Panettiere on her abusive ex: ‘I never wanted to call myself a victim’

Panettiere’s brother introduced her to her ex, Brian Hickerson, who was arrested multiple times throughout their off-and-on relationship for assault. Panettiere writes about the alleged abuse, saying one time he “busts up my face so badly I don’t leave the house for weeks.” In another instance, she says he screamed at her to “run as far as I can in five seconds because I’ll need a head start before he throws the remote control at me.” Another time, he smashed her head into a wall. 

Panettiere writes that she feared calling 911 because “then the public would know” about the alleged abuse. Instead, she took refuge in her car, where she kept a book and a bottle of water until Hickerson calmed down. 

“I’ve struggled with how to tell this because I don’t want to be a spokesperson for domestic violence,” Panettiere writes. “I never wanted to call myself a victim, but here I am.”

In an interview with TMZ about the memoir, Hickerson confirmed the abuse and says that he’s “had a couple of opportunities to apologize for it and reflect on it.” He also said that he spoke to Panettiere recently about the memoir and was supportive of it.

“Man, I mean, I think it speaks for itself,” Hickerson told TMZ. “I got arrested for, you know, abusing her, and I wouldn't blame her friends for being pissed off at me.”

Clare Mulroy is USA TODAY’s Books Reporter, where she covers buzzy releases, chats with authors and dives into the culture of reading. Find her on Instagram, subscribe to our weekly Books newsletter or tell her what you’re reading at [email protected].