Hilary Duff's husband, Ashley Tisdale and why modern parenting is so messy

This most-expensive cereal has the best nutrients for toddlers. Don't use that stroller, it got recalled. You don't have a weekly play date set up for your preschooler? That could be bad for their social development. What summer camp is your kiddo doing this year? Oh, you haven't signed up yet? Good luck!

Moms and dads are bombarded daily with dos and don'ts regarding how to raise their kids, and parent groups − while healthy opportunities for social connection for some − can be breeding grounds for comparison and confusion. And that's without the politics of who gets invited to the birthday parties or moms' night out.

Just ask Disney Channel alum Ashley Tisdale.

The "High School Musical" star wrote about her so-called "toxic" mom group in a personal essay for The Cut, published on Jan. 1.

"From the feedback I’ve received since I started talking about this, I now know I’m far from the only mother who’s been brought to tears by members of a group that’s supposed to lift everyone up," Tisdale wrote.

But that might not be the full story, according to Hilary Duff's husband, Matthew Koma. Duff is allegedly part of Tisdale's ex-mom group, along with Mandy Moore and Meghan Trainor.

"When You're The Most Self-Obsessed Tone Deaf Person On Earth, Other Moms Tend To Shift Focus To Their Actual Toddlers," Koma wrote in a Jan. 6 Instagram story.

Mom groups and other parent communities are popular across the U.S. and in plenty of online circles, providing space for parents to ask questions, share anxieties and build connections that make them feel less alone as they navigate raising tiny humans.

At least, that's the goal.

"These spaces that give advice and companionship are also places where parents are going to implicitly or explicitly compare themselves to other people and their parenting," said Orestes P. Hastings, associate professor of sociology at Colorado State University who studies parenting. "It's just sort of unavoidable."

Moms are under 'an enormous amount of pressure to get everything right'

Transitioning to parenthood is an isolating experience, said Kristin MacGregor, a psychologist and LifeStance Health's National Clinical Director for Integrated Behavioral Health. New parents often question themselves, wondering if they are doing things "the right way" or if they are "a good parent."

Maia Cucchiara, an education and human development professor at Temple University who studies parent groups, found middle class moms especially have a lot of anxiety around researching the best ways to parent their kids. "Surprisingly, the access to information didn't relieve their anxiety," she said.

"There is just an enormous amount of pressure on mothers to get everything right," Cucchiara said. "And I think it makes parenting really hard for people."

New parent friends, play dates or mom groups can offer the social support some are seeking in those early months and years. But people can be very opinionated about parenting choices, MacGregor said, and sometimes these groups that are meant to bolster confidence do the opposite.

"Sometimes you find yourself in these places where, actually, it makes you feel like you're doing everything wrong," she said.

And sometimes, the social pressure to "fit in" with other moms can be too much. Being a mom is already hard enough, MacGregor said, without the added pressure of buying a bougie stroller or wearing a certain outfit to look like a "successful mom."

It takes a village. Who should be in yours?

Trust your gut, MacGregor said. If your mom group or someone you're spending your time with doesn't feel like a fit, create some distance.

She also suggests finding other parents who align with your parenting values. These other moms don't have to be your best friends, MacGregor said. Maybe they are more like acquaintances who you enjoy talking to while your kids play together, but nothing more.

And remember "it takes a village" to raise children, MacGregor said, but your village doesn't have to be that huge.

"It's OK to curate your own version of whatever 'a village' means," she said. Your village might be a spouse, a long-distance friend or a neighbor. "I think that being flexible about what your village looks like and what you're getting from that community of people is really helpful."

Madeline Mitchell's role covering women and the caregiving economy at USA TODAY is supported by a partnership with Pivotal and Journalism Funding Partners. Funders do not provide editorial input.

Reach Madeline at [email protected] and @maddiemitch_ on X.