What to do when helicopter grandparents upend your parenting

The helicopter parents of the 1990s and early 2000s are now becoming grandparents. But for some, they've kept their "helicopter" moniker.

"Mom, those are my kids. You're 'grandma' now. Remember?"

That's what actor and TikTok "momfluencer" Selah Victor said to her mother in a recent social media video with more than 25,000 views. While she said it jokingly in the video, she touched on a tension brewing in households across the country: helicopter grandparenting.

Emily Greenberg, president and cofounder of the parenting coach platform Joy Parenting Club, said she has a couple of helicopter grandparents herself − and they live just around the block.

"Having support is amazing, but control is exhausting," she said, noting other parents without any family help might scoff at her annoyance. "I know I'm very lucky."

Helicopter grandparents are overinvolved in their grandchildren's upbringing, "beyond the requested boundaries" of the parents, Greenberg said. Some of that overinvolvement is likely coming from a place of insecurity and anxiety, she said, as grandparents try to figure out their new role.

The idea that an older adult is "running out of time" to parent or to be useful to their adult child is scary, Greenberg said. But by overcompensating they often cross boundaries, leading parents to instinctively pull away − often the opposite response of what a grandparent wants.

What role does a grandparent play?

Kurt Ela, a psychologist and associate professor of clinical psychiatry at Georgetown University School of Medicine, works with families through all life stages. There are basically three different grandparenting styles, Ela said: remote, companionate and involved. Companionate grandparents are fun-seekers but don't help in raising their grandkids.

He agrees that aging anxiety could result in a type of involved grandparent who could be described as a "helicopter grandparent." But that anxiety could also go the other way, he said, and make grandparents isolate more for fear of doing something "wrong."

Closeness between grandparents and their grandchildren is a good thing, Ela said. It can take some of the stress of parenting off parents. It also gives grandparents a new sense of purpose, reduces feelings of loneliness and makes them "stay sharp" during activities and outings.

"I really think it actually helps all three generations," Ela said.

Greenberg has seen the positive impact grandparenting has had on her father, especially, who enjoys playing catch with her 7-year-old son outside. Her dad has "come alive" as a grandfather, she said.

"Having a grandson has really given him a renewed sense of energy, creativity, warmth," she said. "I can see in him this sort of spark to try new things."

The problem comes when grandparents "forget that there's a whole parent world that they need to respect," said Dale Atkins, a psychologist and author of the children's book "The Turquoise Butterfly," which tells the story of a grandmother and her granddaughter.

"You have to be very conscious and careful about what you say, what you do, how you share your observations and also what you say to your grandchildren," Atkins said. "Because, they're not your children."

A grandparent's job is to "be curious, not critical," and always ask first before jumping in, Atkins said. It's important for grandparents to remember their role as a current parent, too. New parents, especially, rely on their parents to be able to talk about their feelings as a new mom or dad, how things are going at work and other details of their lives outside of the grandchildren.

Parenting coach offers guidance on how to set boundaries with helicopter grandparents

So much of parenting is about reflection, Greenberg said. Typically, older adults have had a lot of time to reflect on their own parenting choices by the time they become grandparents. Greenberg thinks some grandparent overstepping is about "them wanting a redo."

But grandparenting isn't about getting a second chance at parenthood, Atkins said. Grandparents should ask themselves what they want out of their grandparenting experience, and set appropriate expectations.

How should parents approach helicopter grandparents? Parents can say, "I'm not looking for feedback on this" to unsolicited advice, Greenberg said. When approaching bigger conversations about setting boundaries, Greenberg suggests starting by validating grandparents' feelings of anxiety and thanking them for their help. Greenberg offers the "HELP" acronym as a guide:

• Helpful or hangout. Sometimes grandparents will seek quality time with their grandkids under the guise of being helpful, Greenberg said. It's important to be clear and truthful about the intent of a get-together. Greenberg will often say to her mother, "Mom, are you trying to help me here? Or are you just looking for grandma time?" Grandma time is good, she said, as long as that intention is transparent.
• Emotional need. Grandparents might be going through some anxiety about their new role and how they fit into their family. Being open about those anxieties − internal questions like, "Do I still matter here? Do I still belong?" − can help untangle miscommunication.
• Loaded meaning. Unsolicited parenting advice from grandparents is a common tension for families. Sometimes that advice can come off as judgmental, Greenberg said, when really grandparents might be questioning their own parenting choices from years ago. Parents might feel like their own parents don't trust them to make good choices, Greenberg said.
• Parameters. Parents need to set clear boundaries and define what actions are helpful, Greenberg said. "Boundaries are not rejection."

Avoiding the tension can only make things worse, Ela said. He suggests regular check-ins.

"If it's not talked about, there's a lot of guesswork, there's a lot of misunderstandings," he said. "Sometimes they're stepping on each other's toes or even parenting in different ways, so it's almost like they're undoing each other."

Madeline Mitchell's role covering women and the caregiving economy at USA TODAY is supported by a partnership with Pivotal and Journalism Funding Partners. Funders do not provide editorial input.

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