Cocaine salmon is the energy boost I crave | Opinion

So a group of scientists got together and decided to give cocaine to a bunch of salmon. It sounds like the kind of fantastic idea a person comes up with while using cocaine, then talks about for 13 consecutive hours to someone who is also doing cocaine and eagerly nodding in agreement while repeating, “It makes. So. Much. Sense.”

Not-at-all shockingly, the resulting study found coked-up salmon swim faster, a conclusion that didn’t really need to involve salmon.

Anyway, as weird as the study seemed, there was a point to it. Cocaine and its metabolites are “being excreted and subsequently detected in aquatic environments due to insufficient removal during wastewater treatment,” according to the paper published in the April edition of the journal Current Biology.

Humans are sending cocaine into the water, and salmon are LOVING IT

The researchers noted that cocaine “is one of the most commonly detected illicit substances in aquatic environments worldwide,” which explains why swimming with your mouth open became the most popular sport in the world shortly after the study was published.

To better filter wastewater and understand how all the drugs and pharmaceuticals we use impact our underwater friends, it’s obviously important to note how creatures react when … you know … they’re zooted out of their aquatic minds.

Now that we've gotten fish hooked on cocaine, let's eat them!

Mark Servos, an ecotoxicologist at the University of Waterloo who was not involved in the study, told the news site Science: “We need to carefully understand and manage all of the diverse chemicals society uses that can end up in our waterways.”

Exactly. I want to safeguard all organisms and bodies of water and protect all creatures great and small, and I applaud this vitally important salmon research.

I would also very much like to eat some cocaine salmon.

Put cocaine salmon on the menu and wait for the money to pour in

Since first hearing about a cocaine bear in the aptly titled 2023 movie “Cocaine Bear,” I presumed the existence of cocaine salmon. It just makes sense. What reason would a bear have to do cocaine other than needing a little boost to chase after faster-than-normal salmon?

Since we reside at the top of the food chain ‒ assuming there aren’t any cocaine lions running around ‒ I don’t see why humans should be denied fish that we helped become speedier through our generously excreted cocaine byproducts and whatnot.

That’s why I’m happy to announce the opening of my new extremely fast fast-food chain: Cocaine Salmon King. Our motto is “Just one bite and you’re hooked!” 

Fitness influencers will love my new cocaine-salmon energy boosts

Think of the possibilities. There’s a whole world of workout influencers waiting to jump on this bandwagon: “Do your workouts have you feeling like you’re swimming upstream? I recently tried Cocaine Salmon King’s new Super Salmon Cannon smoothie with an acai boost and was able to up my reps by 500%. Of course my heart did briefly explode twice, but I’m sure I’ll be back at the gym crushing weights and slammin’ salmon as soon as I get out of rehab. #WorthIt”

Now that we know cocaine makes salmon better at being salmon, there’s definitely money to be made. And I’m 100% sure I’m not misreading the researcher’s results. I’ve had 14 cocaine-salmon filets today, and things have never seemed clearer.

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk.