Trump misses obvious surgeon general pick, Kennedy's brain worm | Opinion
While I'm sure Dr. Nicole Saphier is great, and her 'thoughtfully crafted tinctures' are delicious, Trump and Co. seem to be missing the most obvious surgeon general candidate available.
Rex HuppkeA prerequisite for serving in the Trump administration seems to be first serving as a host or contributor to Fox News. So, naturally, President Donald Trump’s third shot at a surgeon general candidate is longtime Fox News medical contributor Nicole Saphier.
Given that the U.S. Health and Human Services secretary is anti-vaccine, anti-science, pro-sewage-swimming Robert F. Kennedy Jr., a caricature of a serious human being, America’s surgeon general isn’t likely to matter much. The surgeon general could take a strong anti-smoking stance and Kennedy would likely dispute it by citing a wacky study from an obscure Scandinavian cult that found smoking actually “caused significant spikes in lung-healthy midi-chlorians,” completely ignoring that “midi-chlorians” is a fictional term from the "Star Wars" universe.
Trump has already tried twice to get a new surgeon general. The first one, Dr. Janette Nesheiwat, was also a former Fox News contributor, because of course she was. Her nomination was pulled because Laura Loomer, a right-wing nutball who somehow has the ear of the president, didn’t like her. If that sounds crazy, welcome to America.
Does everyone in the Trump administration have to come from Fox News?
The second nominee, Dr. Casey Means, a wellness influencer who shares RFK Jr.’s vaccine skepticism, had her nomination pulled April 30, presumably because on the Trump administration scale that goes from “bonkers” to “outrageously bonkers,” she was a bit too close to the latter.
Trump announced Saphier as his next pick via an April 30 Truth Social post. He most likely knows of her because she regularly appears on Fox News and talks about things being too woke.
In 2022, Saphier was on the network claiming that teachers' unions and educators were trying to separate children from their parents: "I need to sign permission slips for my kids to go to a museum, but yet I don't need to sign permission slips for them to change their name, their gender identity, or if they're even seeking help for mental health crises. That is a huge problem.”
Yes. That is a huge problem that doesn’t really exist. But whatever. Not making sense and acting aggrieved are mandatory skills for those serving under Trump, so Saphier is well on her way.
The new surgeon general nominee attended Caribbean med school
Aside from being a Fox News personality, Saphier is actually a practicing doctor, which is a positive development. She is a graduate of the Ross University School of Medicine, which, according to the med-school admissions consulting firm Shemmassian Academic Consulting, is “considered one of the best medical schools in the Caribbean” and “appeals to many students with low stats who couldn’t get accepted to U.S. med schools.”
So that sounds about right.
Wellness grifting might also be a prerequisite for Trump's surgeon general
And Saphier also has a side hustle selling “clean, thoughtfully crafted tinctures that support focus, calm, balance, and overall wellness.” The company is called DropRx, and it has an Amazon store.
Perhaps as surgeon general, she’ll develop a Trump Tincture that comes in a golden bottle.
While I’m sure Dr. Saphier is great, and her tinctures are delicious, Trump and Co. seem to be missing the most obvious surgeon general candidate available. I’m referring, of course, to the deceased parasitic brain worm that resides in RFK Jr.’s head.
Why are we not considering RFK Jr.'s brain worm for surgeon general?
The health secretary has referred to his mind friend as “a worm that got into my brain and ate a portion of it and then died.”
Based on what I’ve seen out of Kennedy and the administration’s overall kook-forward approach to health, I think that expired worm has potential. Granted, it has not been on Fox News, but its host body has. And if anyone can help Americans with their health, its the one creature that saw the inside of Kennedy’s brain and presumably died of fright. That worm knows, viscerally, that we should all do the opposite of whatever the health secretary tells us to do.
That’s the kind of surgeon general America needs, now more than ever.
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk.