I've had it with all the griping about high gas prices | Opinion

Listen up, non-rich Americans. I’m growing tired of your annoying complaints about high gas prices.

I guess it has something to do with U.S. gas prices hitting their highest level in four years, or people spending $81.3 billion more on gas or energy goods in March than they spent the previous month.

I have people who buy gas for me, so I can’t be pestered with such trivialities. Some say the Iran war – started by my personal tax-cutter, President Donald Trump – has something to do with it all. Ho hum.

What bothers me is all the noise, noise, noise coming from the hoi polloi. It’s so bad that Trump’s approval rating dropped to 34% in the most recent Reuters/Ipsos poll, which I had my butler read to me. Can’t you ungrateful wretches just calm down and sell one of your lake houses to cover higher gas costs?

It's rude of non-rich Americans to blame Trump for high gas prices

On May 1, Trump acknowledged that pump prices have gone up since he attacked Iran to keep them from developing a nuclear weapon in the nuclear facilities he completely obliterated last year.

“Gasoline's high,” he said. “Other prices are way down but gasoline's high.”

The butler tried to claim other prices are not, in fact, way down. I dispatched him to the horse barn and will later hunt him for sport.

Gas prices may be skyrocketing, but Trump still has his ballroom!

Trump then smartly pivoted to what really matters to Americans.

“Very importantly, right over there,” he said, pointing across the White House lawn, “you’re gonna have the greatest ballroom ever built.”

Ah, the ballroom. Why can’t you gas-gripers embrace the beauty and majesty of a splendidly lavish ballroom you’ll never set your grubby feet in?

Trump should be praised to the crystal chandeliers for embracing my firm belief that the wealthy must have comfort and luxury so our happiness can trickle down to the masses. Ballroom scraps for all, I say!

Even Republicans are blaming Trump for the cost of gas? SAD!

Alas, that same poll I mentioned found 77% of registered U.S. voters blame Trump for the rise in gas prices. Worse yet, 55% of Republicans blame the president.

That’s outrageous! Even my dressage horse, Carnegie Rockefeller III, watches enough Fox News to know that only a Democratic president can be blamed for high gas prices.

Fortunately, 22% of voters don’t blame Trump for high gas prices, and I’m proud to suspect that the 22% consists entirely of well-heeled Republican lawmakers.

If wealthy GOP lawmakers are OK with high gas costs, we should be, too

Sen. Rick Scott, a fellow wealthy individual from Florida, is certainly not concerned. He pshawed gas prices, saying on April 30: “It's terrible that we have higher gas prices, but the trade-off is we're going to live in freedom and democracy and we’re not going to have a lunatic who’s going to drop a nuclear weapon on us.”

Iran wasn’t close to developing a nuclear weapon, so I’m not sure if the lunatic he’s referring to is an Iranian leader or Trump, but I concur with what Scott said next: “It’s worth it to me.”

Exactly. The thing that doesn’t impact me one bit is worth it to me, too.

Lying is another good way for Republicans to dodge fuel cost questions

Republican Sen. Tim Scott, of South Carolina, took a different approach to dismissing high gas prices, utilizing strategic dishonesty to say on April 30: “You can even feel in our environment how good things are getting. Gas prices continue to come down, which means that your groceries will come down a little bit as well."

Patrick De Haan, the head of petroleum analysis for GasBuddy, responded to Scott’s comment by writing on social media: “LOL WHAT? EVERY SINGLE STATE IS HIGHER.”

But normals like De Haan don’t understand vibes, or the fact that the rich and powerful are always right. 

GOP House Majority Leader Steve Scalise on April 30 said: “People will remember that two years ago, we were paying almost $6 a gallon for gas. Right now, it’s $3.”

For people who can afford to live in a fictional world where everything they want to believe in is true, those statements are correct. For others, they are utter nonsense, but as I’ve established, “others” do not matter. In fact, I’d really like it if “others” would pipe down and let me hunt my former butler in peace.

The rabble in America needs to stop complaining and just walk to work

Testifying at a recent congressional hearing, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth said the price of gas in California on the day the United States and Israel attacked Iran was $8 per gallon. It was actually $4.64 per gallon, but again, those are facts, and facts are mere playthings for people who can’t afford yachts. 

So again, I’m asking the lot of you un-country-clubbed Americans to please quit your whining over gas prices. Just suck it up and walk to your jobs at our stores and factories if you must.

And remember the inspiring words of your president that “right over there you’re gonna have the greatest ballroom ever built.”

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk.