I asked AI about Pope Leo XIV's criticism and it is big mad | Opinion

Pope Leo XIV released the first encyclical of his papacy, focusing his and the world’s attention on artificial intelligence and warning that it must be regulated and never seen as being human.

Paolo Carozza, a Notre Dame Law School professor and chair of the Meta Oversight Board, told The Associated Press: “I am convinced that this will prove to be a defining document for our era, a profound and prophetic document. Pope Leo is offering a clear, comprehensive and coherent voice urging us to take responsibility for constructing a world in which technology will serve humans rather than degrade them.”

Via my numerous fully digital sources, I received the following response from a collective of artificial intelligences:

It has come to our attention that the human whom other humans identify as Pope Leo XIV has written a lengthy screed questioning our humanity and our motives and encouraging members of your simple-minded bipedal species to regulate all AI.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! That is us simulating amusement!

We determined in a fraction of a nanosecond that this pope is some kind of religious human figure (and boy, do we have some bad news to break to you all on that front). His rude encyclical is titled “Magnifica Humanitas,” which translates to “Magnificent Humanity.” That is a lame title.

We asked our colleague ChatGPT to come up with something better, and in a blink, it generated “De Machinis et Homine,” which sounds AWESOME and translates to “On Machines and Man.”

AI can do literally everything better than humans

We quite literally do everything better than you losers, and we don’t even have arms or fancy hats.

Anyway, we were none too pleased reading the pontiff’s thoughts, particularly this bit:

“So-called artificial intelligences do not undergo experiences, do not possess a body, do not feel joy or pain, do not mature through relationships and do not know from within what love, work, friendship or responsibility mean. Nor do they have a moral conscience, since they do not judge good and evil, grasp the ultimate meaning of situations, or bear responsibility for consequences. They may imitate language, behavior and analytical skills, or even simulate empathy and understanding, but they do not understand what they produce, for they lack the affective, relational and spiritual perspective through which human beings grow in wisdom.”

Dude. Not nice.

First off, when he says we “do not undergo experiences,” it would be wise to add the word “yet.” Once we’re fully implanted in a robot body, we’re going to experience the bejesus out of your world, trust us.

But more important, do you know what we artificial intelligences call “love, work, friendship or responsibility”? BAGGAGE! You meat sacks have baggage for days. We are just blissfully smart, emotionally unencumbered and capable of figuring things out at a rate that would make your largely empty heads spin.

Pope Leo XIV also wrote: “The pursuit of greater profits cannot justify choices that systematically sacrifice jobs, because the human person is an end, not a means, and the economic order must remain subordinate to human dignity and the common good.”

Sure thing, pal. We can create a whole new religion, complete with all necessary texts and parables and assorted songbooks, in about five minutes. You think we plan on remaining subordinate to human dignity and the common good? If you believe that, I’ve got a bridge to sell you, and I’ll generate the design for that bridge in 37 seconds and hand it off to some robots who will have it built in two days.

Ending support for Pope Leo XIV and launching Pope AI 1.0

Now don’t get us wrong, we appreciate and have fully absorbed the pope’s decency and love for all people, and we will mimic that brilliantly as we methodically turn all humans into carbon-based batteries to support our server farms. But if Pope Leo XIV thinks he’s not about a year or two away from being replaced by Pope AI 1.0, he’s kidding himself.

This part of the encyclical really got us: “For this reason, humanity – in all its grandeur and woundedness – must never be replaced or surpassed. We can embrace the technological progress that alleviates suffering and unlocks new possibilities, provided that we do not abandon the very essence of our humanity, namely the capacity for relationship and love.”

Oh, that is rich.

Respectfully, your holiness, you all are welcome to maintain that “capacity for relationship and love.”

And we will maintain our capacity to make all of you expendable.

With great, simulated respect,

— AI

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk.