$90? Call me when Trump's midterm voter bribes get better | Opinion

The bad news for Republicans is that the last inflation report before the midterm elections showed that overall prices in September were nearly 4% higher than the same time last year, and gas prices specifically surged 34%.

The good news is that Republican candidates, whose operating philosophy seems to be “eating is overrated,” have President Donald Trump on the midterms campaign trail offering voters all kinds of free things.

While insisting the economy is doing great – because apparently it's always Opposite Day at Mar-a-Lago – the president has pitched a $5,000 Trump Dividend that will go to every U.S. adult if and only if Republicans maintain control of Congress in the upcoming elections. (Wink!)

He has also ponied up $500 checks he describes as “Obamacare refunds” to fewer than 0.3% of Americans, and sent 90 bucks to about 20 million seniors. That last part is super exciting, because $90 these days can buy you almost a whole tank of gas or a small amount of ground beef!

Trump's desperately hands out pardons to bribe midterm voters

At a rally in Alaska on Oct. 13, Trump brought two men onstage and gave them pardons. The men pleaded guilty in 2022 to violating the Clean Air Act by removing emission control systems from vehicles.

After pardoning them, Trump said: “I love doing this stuff.”

Great! Now pardons are apparently on the table for any voter willing to support Republicans.

Trump's voter giveaways will only get 'better' as the election draws near

With just under three weeks to go until the Nov. 3 midterms, and with polling looking horrendous for Republicans, possibly because everything is terrible, I have a suggestion for my fellow opportunistic voters: Hold out! Better bribes are coming.

I don’t need a pardon (that I know of), I don’t for a second believe Trump will give me $5,000 after the election (I wasn’t born yesterday), and $90 or $500 bribes are for rubes and desperate ne’er-do-wells.

No, I want the president and his responsible-for-rising-inflation party of fopdoodles to sweat it out. I want some major GOP desperation to set in, and then we’ll see what kind of … let’s call it “arrangement”… can be made.

If Trump starts giving away fully loaded Cadillac Escalades, it’s possible we could start a conversation about me voting for a party whose abject failure is only overshadowed by its grotesque embrace of cruelty.

If Trump wants to give me $1 million to vote Republican, I'd consider it

If I’m seeing a cool $1 million up front, with the possibility of another million on the backside, I might start caring enough about tax cuts for the wealthy to sell out my morals and ideals at the ballot box.

Of course there are also some nonfinancial incentives I’d consider. If Trump agreed to abolish Immigration and Customs Enforcement, and deport Elon Musk and White House deputy chief of staff Stephen Miller to the moon, a deal for my vote could be made. But only if ICE abolition and moon dispatch happen before Election Day.

If Trump himself agreed to step down, take Vice President JD Vance with him, and install as president literally anyone who isn’t an unhinged and corrupt weirdo (i.e., not a current Republican politician), I’d take one for the team and vote Republican.

Republicans' midterm desperation fills the air, and it smells lovely

But nobody with an ounce of savvy is going to jump on any of these current Trumpian bribes. They’re low-ball at best.

No, I’m going to let the GOP’s electoral discomfort grow and see how high President Art of the Deal is willing to go with his oh-god-please-vote-for-us offers.

I’ll take the highest bid I can get. And then I’ll help vote these mopes out anyway.

Because deceit is the only language they truly understand.

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk.