1 in 5 people have this attachment style

Attachment styles describe how we relate to others in close relationships, especially under stress. These patterns can shape many aspects of how we connect.

“Understanding your attachment style can help explain recurring patterns in relationships, like why you might pull away when someone gets close, or why you might feel anxious when a partner doesn't text back right away,” explains Natalie Christine Dattilo, a clinical psychologist at Harvard Medical School and founder of Priority Wellness Group in Boston.

Psychologists generally group attachment styles into four categories: secure (comfortable with closeness and independence), anxious (seeks reassurance and fears abandonment), disorganized (a mix of approach and avoidance, often linked to trauma) and avoidant attachment, the latter affecting “about 20% of the population,” says Joanne Broder, a practicing psychologist and fellow of the American Psychological Association.

Here’s what to know.

What is avoidant attachment?

Avoidant attachment "is the inability to experience intimacy in relationships,” says Broder. More precisely, it reflects a pattern of downplaying emotional needs and maintaining distance to feel safe. People with this style often value independence to the point that closeness can feel uncomfortable, or even threatening.

In daily life, “it typically shows up as being emotionally closed-off, being uncomfortable with vulnerability, having difficulty expressing emotions and having a tendency to feel suffocated by the real or perceived dependency of others and/or neediness,” says Dattilo.

Research in developmental psychology suggests that people with avoidant attachment may “deactivate” their attachment system, essentially turning down emotional signals that would otherwise make them feel closer to others.

This is one reason why a partner of someone with avoidant attachment may perceive their partner as emotionally unavailable, overly self-sufficient, detached or distant or resistant to commitment. It’s also why “sometimes a person with avoidant attachment will end a relationship prematurely or impulsively if it starts to get hard, or if imperfections are exposed or if they sense their partner is more emotionally invested than they are,” explains Dattilo.

While avoidant attachment is not a formal diagnosis in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, better known as the DSM, it is a well-established pattern identified through research and clinical observation.

What causes avoidant attachment?

Avoidant attachment is most often traced back to early caregiving experiences such as when caregivers are consistently emotionally unavailable, dismissive or uncomfortable with closeness, causing children to learn that expressing needs does not lead to comfort. Sometimes, the person is also a victim of “frequent shaming or having their needs rejected as a child,” explains Broder, “so they feel discomfort in expressing their needs or helping others.”

Another contributing factor can be “early intense medical experiences, like a prolonged hospitalization or illness, which can disrupt secure bonding in ways that don't often get traced back to attachment issues later in life,” adds Dattilo. “And it may also be that subtle reinforcement of self-sufficiency as an identity – such as praise for being ‘the independent one’ or ‘the easy child’ – can teach kids that their value lies in not needing anything.”

Other contributors can emerge later in life, including cultural or environmental factors that similarly reward independence and emotional restraint, as well as experiences such as betrayal, significant loss, chronic stress or repeated emotional rejection.

And in many cases, avoidant attachment develops not from a single event, but from patterns over time that teach the brain to associate closeness with discomfort.

How to heal avoidant attachment style

While avoidant attachment can feel deeply ingrained, research and clinical experience show it can be improved, with a key starting point being awareness. “We can’t fix anything if we’re not aware of the problem, and avoidant attachment largely operates in ways that are not always obvious to the individual, but that our partners may be painfully aware of,” says Dattilo. Recognizing patterns and slowing down and noticing when you pull away, she says, "gives you something to work with." 

She adds that gradually increasing tolerance for vulnerability is another important step. This can involve practicing small, manageable acts of openness like sharing a feeling, asking for support or staying present during emotionally charged conversations instead of pulling away. “Each small act of openness rewires the association between vulnerability and danger,” Dattilo says.

Equally important is practicing self-care and self-compassion, which, Broder says, means treating yourself with kindness instead of judgment and recognizing that your patterns developed as a way to cope, not as a personal failing.

Professional support can also be highly beneficial. “Talking to a therapist can help heal the attachment issues from childhood and other relationships,” says Broder. She explains that several approaches, including cognitive behavioral therapy, exposure therapy and attachment-based therapies are all grounded in attachment science and can help individuals build additional awareness and develop tools and healthier ways of connecting with others.