His son battled addiction for years. This Father’s Day, he’s a proud grandfather

The proudest moment of Kim Humphrey's fatherhood wasn't when his son aced a test, got married or became a dad himself.

It was the day his son turned himself in to the police.

That day, Humphrey said, was the day he got his son back after a 10-year struggle with addiction. He remembers sitting in the courtroom, watching his son face the judge and take responsibility for how his life had unraveled once he started taking opioids.

In that moment, Humphrey said, he saw his son "being the kind of man that I knew he could be, which was someone that would do the right thing. And that's what he did."

In the United States, more than 48 million people 12 and older have substance use disorder, according to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. Family members of those with the disorder often face grief, stress and guilt as they watch their loved one suffer, sometimes refusing help. For parents, especially, the emotional pain can feel insurmountable − and that's often heightened on holidays, when families typically come together.

Holidays, like Father's Day, can be hard because they're "a reminder that things aren't turning out the way you had hoped they would," said Pat Aussem, vice president of consumer clinical content development at the Partnership to End Addiction. For many families, the road to recovery is nonlinear.

"It'll look like you're making progress, and then all of a sudden there will be some setbacks," Aussem said, adding that it's crucial for parents to take care of themselves, too. "So many parents end up putting their own mental health and their physical health on the back burner. And it's really hard to show up and be the really terrific parent that you can be if there's nothing left in the well, so to speak."

Humphrey knows this all too well, having two sons with the disorder. He and his wife discovered Parents of Addicted Loved Ones, a nonprofit in Arizona that provides resources for struggling parents, at the height of their desperation. Now, Humphrey is CEO and executive director of the organization.

But more importantly, he's a proud grandfather.

"We went from thinking they were going to die and they were going to be in prison − we would never see such a thing as a grandchild," Humphrey said. "To today, where Father's Day is coming up. Guess what? They're all coming."

'I have done everything I can to fix this. And it's not working'

Humphrey said his older son, Sean Humphrey, struggled with opioid addiction beginning in his early teenage years. Humphrey and his wife tried for years to get him help, only to watch their son get sicker and sicker from the effects of meth and heroin use. The drugs brought on psychotic episodes that were destructive, and when his son was about 20, the family made the difficult decision to ask Sean to leave the house.

Kim Humphrey said that his son overdosed several times, and the only reason he knew about those incidents was because his son was still on their shared health insurance. There were many years when he jumped every time the phone rang, terrified to get the call that one or both of his sons were dead.

At one point, Humphrey said the shock and grief of it all became too much. "I got so wrapped up in it that I went to bed one day, and I wouldn't get up," he said. He stayed in bed for about a week, without eating or speaking, and was eventually rushed to the hospital.

"I don't understand what's going on with me. All I know is, I want to go to sleep because if I go to sleep, I don't have to think about this. And if I don't have to think about this, maybe it'll go away," Humphrey said, reflecting on his mental state at the time. He said he felt "broken."

"I'm their dad," he said. "I have done everything I can to fix this. And it's not working."

Aussem has seen many parents of those with substance use disorder deal with chronic stress, anxiety and sleep issues. She's seen these parents put off their own health, including necessary surgeries. She encourages parents to seek help, including support groups where they can connect with other parents going through similar journeys. There are other resources on the Partnership to End Addiction's website.

It's difficult to set boundaries, Aussem said, because parents often want to fix their kids' problems.

"The thing is that life is a better teacher, often, than parents are," she said.

Humphrey worked in law enforcement for more than three decades, but said that background rarely came in handy in trying to help his sons.

"I'm sitting there thinking, 'I can't believe this happened.' I don't know what to do about it," he said. "Anything we tried, I mean, our attempts to get him to do something, to get him to go to a treatment program, to go to a counselor and do what he was supposed to do. He would go through motions; he would do things. But he didn't get better. He got worse."

Getting his son back

One Christmas Eve in 2013, the Humphreys got a call from the hospital that Sean Humphrey, 26 at the time, had been admitted − again. It was a familiar feeling, as they'd received nearly the same call the previous Christmas and rushed to their son's side.

"Literally, the minute he got out of there, he went right back," Kim Humphrey said. "And we were devastated."

This time, they steered clear of the hospital and went away for a few days. Christmas, like other holidays, "had become something that, you know, celebrating it around the house was not something we wanted to do," Humphrey said.

"We cried half the way there while we were driving," he said, adding that they made sure their son knew they still cared for him, but that they had new boundaries.

Sean Humphrey, now 39, said his parents' decision not to join him at the hospital sparked his journey to recovery. "It doesn't get much lower than this," he thought at the time. Their "hands off" approach, he said, was "the linchpin for when things started to become different."

"It sounds very harsh, but that was really the pivotal moment for me where I was like, hey, I'm sitting in this hospital, I have nothing," he said. "I've burned [my family] so bad at this point that they have to protect themselves from me."

This isn't always the best approach, Aussem said. Staying connected and making sure your loved one knows they matter is incredibly important.

"Especially in today's world, where so many of the substances that are out there are toxic and lethal," she said. "I would argue that the connection is really important. That is not to say that boundaries aren't equally important. So, I think parents need to make decisions around money, around housing, transportation, and other things."

With his parents' more distant support, Sean Humphrey eventually started to accept the help that ultimately saved his life, through treatment centers, sober living communities and therapy.

And once he was doing better, he and his parents reconnected.

"Tentatively, at first. I think there was a lot of cautious optimism on their part," he said, adding that relapses are common.

He said he'd felt "lost for so long" in his addiction, carrying guilt and shame for the ways he had treated his family while he was sick. He started to make amends.

"For once," he said, "my word actually started to mean something."

Becoming a grandfather and cherishing family time

Sean Humphrey checked himself into a treatment program following that hospital stay and has not used opioids since. While getting treatment, he convinced his younger brother to get help, too. Sean Humphrey now works at one of the treatment programs that helped him in his time of need.

During treatment, Sean Humphrey said he also met the love of his life. They've since married and have two children together.

Being a dad, he said, has had a tremendous impact on his worldview.

"You're just not responsible for just yourself anymore," he said. "You have this little person that you've got and who needs you for everything."

He cherishes the time he gets to spend with his parents, and seeing them bask in the joy of being grandparents.

This Father's Day, like most holidays since his sons recovered, Kim Humphrey's family will be together. It doesn't get much better than that, he said.

"I really thought I lost them both for a long time," he said. "And I am so happy they're back."

If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, you can call the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357).

Madeline Mitchell's role covering women and the caregiving economy at USA TODAY is supported by a partnership with Pivotal and Journalism Funding Partners. Funders do not provide editorial input.

Reach Madeline at [email protected] and @maddiemitch_ on X.