Let's look at Trump's whirlwind weekend of failure | Opinion

It was a whirlwind weekend of failure for the Trump administration, but that didn’t stop President Donald Trump from having a great time at our expense.

On April 11, while Vice President JD Vance used his sparkling personality and boundless likability to fail at reaching a peace deal with Iran, the president was at a UFC fight in Miami with Secretary of State Marco Rubio, which makes perfect sense if you don’t care about anything.

On April 12, while the endorsements of Trump and Vance failed to help right-wing Hungarian Prime Minister Viktor Orbán win in the country’s general election, Trump was golfing in Florida, in between threats to use the U.S. Navy to block off the Strait of Hormuz, which, if you’re keeping score, has already been blocked by Iran.

Delightful! Life is fun when you never admit failure and nothing really matters!

Trump says gas prices aren't going down anytime soon

Showing his deep concern for Americans facing rising fuel and food prices thanks to a war nobody asked for, Trump called Fox News on April 12 and let everyone know that gas prices “could be the same or maybe a little bit higher” heading into the fall midterm elections.

All righty! That is not what Trump promised while campaigning, but at least he’s having a good time watching some mixed martial arts and letting us pay for his security while he bops around the Trump National Doral Golf Club, and his vice president keeps nailing the geopolitical equivalent of slipping on a banana peel.

In case you, too, were glad-handing at a sporting event or playing golf with rich people, let me catch you up on the state of the Trump/Vance/MAGA world.

JD Vance and Trump were the kiss of death for Viktor Orbán

We’ll start with Hungary. Orbán has long been a favorite of Trump and the MAGA-loving right in America, largely because he’s a cruel, authoritarian strongman who is mean to the same people MAGA types dislike. He also seemed to hold an iron grip on power in Hungary, something Trump clearly envied.

To buoy Orbán’s electoral chances, Vance visited Budapest on April 7 to campaign alongside the prime minister ‒ odd, because the worst thing you can do if you want people to like you is stand anywhere near Vance.

He’s the human manifestation of the term “off-putting.” He’s like if former GOP Sen. Mitt Romney and Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis had a wildly unlikable baby who was raised by Fox News host Sean Hannity and a gallon of white paint.

Sure enough, Hungarian voters showed up in droves on April 12 to vote out Orbán, a stunning rebuke of his Trump-like worldview, Trump himself and, of course, Vance, who clearly did nothing to help.

JD Vance's no good, really bad Iran peace negotiations

On the Iran front, the Vance-led peace negotiations went nowhere, even though Trump and Rubio did their best to show support by going to see grown men kick the snot out of each other in Miami. As April 13 rolled around, the fragile Iran war ceasefire appeared more fragile, with Trump threatening a Strait of Hormuz blockade of his own. Iran is already blocking the strait, so Trump’s threats sound a bit like Winston Churchill responding to Adolf Hitler’s 1940 bombing raids on London by threatening to also bomb London.

I will now briefly summarize our Middle East situation, which Trump tried to golf his way through April 12:

Iran blocked the Strait of Hormuz, which Trump has said America doesn't need, therefore we must now block the Strait of Hormuz, which we definitely don't need, to force Iran to agree to a nuclear deal Trump previously ripped up before urgently starting a war to stop Iran from developing a nuclear weapon, which they weren't close to doing because Trump obliterated their nuclear capabilities in June. We have totally already won this war that is still going on, which is why we are blocking the strait they blocked that we don't even care about, and we could leave tomorrow as victors but we won't because they won't agree to not develop nuclear weapons, which they couldn’t do anyway because we obliterated their nuclear capacity last summer in a mission that was incredibly successful and perfect, and our allies suck for not helping us open the Strait of Hormuz, which we for sure don’t care about, so now we’re going to block the strait ourselves to show everyone how much we don’t care.

The end.

Trump administration is failing so hard that failing is all it's winning at

Is that clear enough for you? Because it’s obviously clear enough for Trump and Vance.

Now go enjoy your high gas prices, increasing inflation and utter lack of peace. The president needs to rest from golfing and watching UFC fights so he has the energy to design his White House ballroom.

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk. This column first appeared on USATODAY.com.