RFK Jr. is only wrong about drug prices if you believe in math | Opinion

If there’s one thing I’m sick of, it’s liberals and their radical views on how math works.

For ages, President Donald Trump has been heroically claiming he cut prescription drug costs by, as he said during a Cabinet meeting in December, “500, 600, 700, 800, 900 percent depending on the drug.”

He said last August there has been a “1,000 percent decrease” in drug costs.

And in September he said: “I’m going to be reducing drug prices by 1,000 percent, by 900, 600, 500, 1,200. We're going to be reducing drug prices at levels never seen.”

Why do liberals refuse to accept Trump Math, as RFK Jr. explained

Left-wing knowledge nerds keep claiming those levels will never be seen because they constitute numerical gibberish. They whine that you “can’t” reduce the cost of something more than 100%. At 100% cost reduction, the little snowflakes say, an item becomes free, and anything more than 100% would mean the drug companies are paying you to take their pills. 

Fortunately, U.S. Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., a noted science-understander, came along April 22 and gave members of Congress an important lesson in Trump Math, defending the president’s claims and saying Trump “has a different way of calculating.”

Math has always had a decidedly liberal bias, until Trump came along

Liberal Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren, who probably thinks algebra is real, noted Trump’s claims of greater-than-100% discounts, prompting Kennedy to respond: “If you have a $600 drug, and you reduce it to $10, that’s a 600% reduction.”

Is that statement, as the Marxist New York Times pointed out, “mathematically incorrect”? Perhaps, if you believe in the concept of “percentages,” which dates back to the Roman Empire.

But guess what, libs? This ain’t the Roman Empire. It’s the Trump Empire, and that means the days of hippie-dippy logic and axiomatic systems are gone like low-pressure showers and the belief that vaccines are good. 

Math is simple: 1 + 1 = (whatever Trump says it equals)

RFK Jr., a sensible raccoon-penis collector and man smart enough to take his grandchildren swimming in a sewage creek (it’s called “radical inoculation,” lefties), understands Trump Math, which I hope will be taught in schools across the country so math can be made great again.

Kennedy gets that 2 + 2 = (Let me ask Donald Trump). And a 1,500% drug-price cut does not mean Merck is going to pay you big bucks for its pharmaceuticals; it means you, the American consumer, are going to love Trump and continue paying whatever it is you pay for drugs.

Is that so hard?

Low polling is high, drug prices are down 1,500%, and life is grand

The president regularly says his polling numbers are amazing. His current approval rating is about 35% so, via a simple Trump Math calculation, 35 now equals 100. Duh.

On the war with Iran, Trump said at the beginning of March that it would last “four or five weeks.” He has since said that “we're already substantially ahead of our time projections” and called it “a short excursion” and said “we’ve already won” and it’s “pretty well complete” and it “won’t be long” and "we’ll be leaving in pretty much the very near future” and “we are getting very close” and “48 hours before all Hell will reign down on them” and “a whole civilization will die tonight” and, on April 19, “NO MORE MR. NICE GUY!”

So again, for dummies who can’t grasp Trump Math, we have this simple equation: 

(4 or 5) = 0 + (maybe a little more) + (never mind, it’s 0) + (OK, we’re gonna set it at 1) + ((48 hours)/(24 hours per day)) x (everyone’s going to die) - (√(MR. NICE GUY))

Trump Math should soon appear in the curriculum at every US school

You see? As Kennedy said, Trump just has a different and way of calculating things, one that better aligns with the conservative belief that Donald Trump is always right.

Educate yourselves, liberals. The world will make a lot more sense if you do.

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk.