Cornyn is right, Republicans can't rein in Trump. Sorry! | Opinion

I want all Americans to understand that I, a Republican lawmaker, can do nothing to rein in President Donald Trump.

I am rendered powerless before the awesome strength of a lame-duck president with a 32% approval rating. My party might control both houses of Congress, and our job description might technically include reining in the executive branch, but still, it’s just not a thing we can do. His gaze alone makes our brains seize up.

My colleague Sen. John Cornyn, R-Poltroon, made it plain as day recently when he said of Republicans, “There’s nothing we can do to rein in the president.”

See, I told you so.

Cornyn, like all good Republicans, caved to Trump's demands

That came after Cornyn and other Republicans on the Senate Judiciary Committee voted to move acting Attorney General Todd Blanche’s confirmation to the full Senate. Cornyn had opposed Blanche, President Trump’s former personal attorney, because of the slush fund Trump wants to set up to pay anyone he claims is a victim of “government weaponization.”

Blanche promised he’d modify the slush fund thing a bit, Trump said he still wants it and Cornyn bravely caved, saying: “Well, there’s nothing we could do to rein in the president when he said he likes the fund and he wishes it still exists, but the fact of the matter is that it’s dead and that’s all we could do under these circumstances.”

Hey, an empty promise is better than no promise at all. As we like to say in the halls of powerlessness, “Whaddya gonna do, amirite?”

What could Republican lawmakers possibly do to rein in Donald Trump?

Some have the gall to mock our inability to stand up to President Trump. What they don’t understand is our spines are on loan to Elon Musk, who needed them for his humanoid robot work. (In fairness, he gave our campaigns A LOT of money.) 

Could we, as a governing body, use the power of the purse to halt some of the president’s actions? I can have someone on my staff look into that, but it sounds far-fetched.

Could we stop confirming every wildly unqualified judicial and Cabinet nominee he puts in front of us, since we control everything?

Hah! No, that would require a different kind of stamp, and all we have is this rubber one that says “SURE!” (We bought it from President Trump’s online store, where we tithed our annual salaries and also bought many red hats.)

Cowardice, thy name is Republican lawmaker

You see, there’s very little we GOP lawmakers can do to hold back the man we refer to, totally of our own accord, as the greatest president who ever lived. The man whose brilliance and virility infuse us with the pusillanimity of fainting goats.

Trust me, we’d love to be more courageous, but the 80-year-old who hurls mean insults like an angry preteen playground bully is too intimidating.

If only there was some kind of ... let's call it a "law" ... we could make or uphold. If we were, in fact, what I suppose one would call “lawmakers” or some such term, then there might be a way.

But alas, as Cornyn made quite clear, we’re stuck. There’s nothing we can do to rein in the president. We just have to sit here and do as we’re told. Because that’s what Republican voters want, apparently.

I mean, why else would they keep voting for us, amirite?

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk.